Are you in a Codependent Relationship?

If you’re in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive. Some common traits of these relationships include:

• You have to always let her know where you are
• When you’re out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day
• You are discouraged from keeping female friends
• She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life
• She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.)
• She shows excessive jealousy
• She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and insists that you both talk about them at length
• She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you’ve done nothing wrong
• She’s often critical of your behavior
• You find yourself often “walking on eggshells” around her
• Your friends tell you that you shouldn’t put up with her, but you feel the need to stay
• You can’t speak your mind because you’re too afraid of how she’ll react
• You’ve considered breaking up for a long time, but you don’t want to break her heart
• You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you’ve tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

These are just a few possible indicators of a codependent relationship, and by no means is an exhaustive list. Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them. Relationships should add joy to one’s life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn’t be a constant burden. Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner. It’s like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern. By Michael S. Freeman http://ezinearticles.com/?Men,-Are-You-in-a-Codependent-Relationship-With-a-Needy,-Controlling,-Or-Emotionally-Volatile-Woman?&id=2220700

Women always worry
about the things
that men forget;
men always worry
about the things
women remember.
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

From the Very First Date

Codependents have big hearts – too big. They rescue men, children, puppies, strangers, neighbors and friends. Their first thought is ‘what does my husband (wife) or my kids need, what will work best for them’. They do not think about their own needs enough. A huge part of their Recovery process is learning to take good care of their own needs. Codependents get lost for decades in the meeting of others needs while ignoring what their own hearts were trying to say to them. Codependents many times don’t have much going on in the hobby department. They have no time devoted to what makes themselves happy. Their lives aren’t really about them. They are rest starved, fun starved and inspiration starved. They need to learn to be selfish in a healthy way. They are parched ground lacking in color and joy. Codependents are way too passive and powerless. That is the deal that they choose. They pick controlling men (women) to marry. That was always the deal. Codependents do not know how to pleasantly set boundaries with consequences and teeth. They might lose they tempers from time to time, but then they go back to being too passive. It is their nature. Arguing with their controlling, defensive husband (wife) is like trying to argue with a brick wall. Codependents are voiceless. They seldom get heard by the people that they really need to get heard by. They are riding in a runaway van that their unhealthy husbands (wives) are… driving. It seems unfair but it is not. It is the deal that was struck from the very first date. From an article by Mark Smith http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

To be yourself in a world
that is constantly trying
to make you something else
is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wrong Place, With the Wrong Person

Codependence is a combination of four personality characteristics that ultimately result in a great deal of frustration and powerlessness…insecurity, dependence, other-centeredness and being too passive. In their heart of hearts Codependents have very low self-esteem and they lack confidence. Self-assured, confident, controlling people tie Codependents in knots. Codependents usually haven’t experienced enough sense of mastery in their lives to give them a life-long sense of competency and strength. They are lost and confused. They are looking for someone to give them direction. They just haven’t quite found their true place in the world yet. Instead of fulfilling their true destiny they are usually following an even more confused (person) around more living in his world than living in a world of their own making. They are usually in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. When a Codependent starts a romantic relationship they tend to put too many eggs in that one basket. They invest their whole lives in a guy (woman) who ultimately turns out to be an addict, a betrayer, a little boy, a rager, a controller, weak, lost, little, and otherwise not coming as originally advertised. Early on the Codependent is way too emotionally dependent way too quickly. They know who they like. Before too many years go by Codependents learn that the relationship they have arranged for themselves does not include a whole lot of goodies for them. Prince (Princess) charming who put the full court press on to secure her generally is only interested in her these days to try to extract some sex… He (She) is too busy and important to take the time and energy to really get to know her (him) on an intimate and daily basis. That simply isn’t who he (she) is. From an article by Mark Smith http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

There are only two possibilities
why you’re disappointed:
wrong person
or wrong expectation.
Bernajoy Vaal

You’re Codependent

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem-solving developed by family rules. One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. Maladaptive means an inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met. Compulsive means acting in a way that goes against one’s conscious desires in which to behave. As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship. Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others. http://reconciliationinc.com/individual-family-counseling/screenings-and-assessments/codependency/

… about people
and problems doesn’t help.
It doesn’t solve problems,
it doesn’t help other people,
and it doesn’t help us.
It is wasted energy.

You’re In A Codependent Relationship

It’s often obvious that a needy, demanding woman who clings to a man has codependent tendencies. However, a relationship consists of two people, and HE is no less responsible. In fact, his behavior can also be labeled “codependent.” Two people who have codependent tendencies may act in opposite ways: While one is needy and drains her partner, the other may have an enlarged sense of responsibility to his partner, and is overly sensitive to her needs and demands. In fact, people with opposing codependent styles tend to attract each other. These opposing psychological profiles have been termed “takers” and “caretakers.” Codependent relationships are complicated, and they’re often characterized by manipulation, lack of boundaries, repressed emotions, emotional volatility, jealousy issues, verbal abuse, etc. Both partners tend to have complicated back-stories, which often serve to justify abnormal behavior. If you’re a man feeling stuck in a codependent relationship, realize that your happiness is worth the effort it takes to move on. You feel that you’re responsible for her, and it’s your job to make her happy and solve her problems You suppress your emotions and avoid confrontation You have the sense of sacrificing the life you want so that you can be with her and take care of her. You feel trapped at times, and have the sense that you are planning an eventual escape. You feel tremendous guilt at the thought of abandoning her. Being in a codependent relationship makes for a stressful and unhappy lifestyle. And yet, your avoidant tendencies may keep you from following through with a break up or separation. You may be planning to break up for a long time, but you just keep holding off — many men wait years, or even a lifetime, remaining in such a relationship. The longer you wait, and the more time you both invest, the more difficult it becomes. http://www.codependencyfreedom.com/codependency/for-men-11-signs-youre-in-a-codependent-relationship-and-how-to-get-out.html

Fear is the great
enemy of intimacy.
Fear makes us run away
from each other
or cling to each other
but does not create
true intimacy.
Henri Nouwen

Stumbling In the Dark

Men characteristically have been seen, especially by women, as having the power in relationships. But guys themselves know they are stumbling in the dark when it comes to relationships, while their partners can see. Many men secretly believe they are the only ones with this handicap, which makes the problem worse because now they also have to worry about being inferior to their buddies. Men get stronger and their shame diminishes when they have the courage to talk openly to other guys. Men who talk openly to other men in men’s groups improve their relationships with women more than those who just talk to a therapist alone. In talking to each other, they find out the real deal. They are not inadequate. They are just guys. And in good company. Men are typically not instinctively tuned into their own emotional state. Without this information to show them the way, they are at a significant disadvantage. In intimate relationships feelings are the operative force and the “loudest” communication of all, regardless of one’s awareness of them. Beginning as babies, the nonverbal, feeling aspects of interaction penetrate us through tone, mood, and facial expression. When men are cut off from awareness of the emotional component of their communication, confusion ensues. And they are alone, without a guide. So what is to be done? No one should be fooled by men’s exterior. Both men and women must expect and be “onto” the presence of a hidden dimension of men. This side of men must be greeted with openness and interest in a non-judgmental way, allowing men to more fully participate in relationships. If women can recognize men’s strengths and appreciate loving gestures as such–even if they don’t yet hit the mark–then they will truly become allies. When men and women decide that they are both on the same side, men can finally score, but the win is for the team. From an article by Lynn Margolies, Ph.D. http://psychcentral.com/lib/male-and-misunderstood/0002654

It is impossible
to speak in such a way
that you cannot
be misunderstood.
Karl Popper

Trying to Fix Someone Else

Codependency is rampant in this society. Like cancer is to the body, codependency is to relationships. Codependency refers to a state of being that is centered around the unconscious desires an individual has towards catering to the needs of others at the expense of themselves. People with unclear boundaries, who lack the ability to say “no” often times are victims of codependent thinking. Codependency shows up in relationships that include partners suffering an addiction to substance abuse, as well as other forms of addiction. When people are in love with alcoholics, they tend to find themselves worrying obsessively about their addicted loved one. They worry about them physically, financially and emotionally. They worry about them so often, that they lose touch with their own needs because so much of their attention has been paid to trying to fix the alcoholic. The alcoholic is dependent upon the alcohol, and the alcoholics partner is dependent upon the fixing the alcoholic. Whenever people find themselves trying to fix someone else, to the point where they have lost touch with their own needs, they are engaging in codependent behavior. On the other side of the equation, whenever people behave like victims to get their selfish needs met, they are engaging in codependent behavior. When people are unable to be honest in relationships, because they fear hurting the feelings of the other person, they are engaging in codependent behavior. Any behavior that disallows the full, honest expression of one human being to another, can be considered codependent in nature. From an article by Lisa A. Romano http://www.examiner.com/article/codependency-and-how-it-destroys-relationships

The only person that can ever
truly make you happy is yourself.
Stop depending on everyone else.
Anonymous

Overly Detached

The other extreme is to become overly detached in relationships. This also originates as a self-protective measure, usually against an intrusive, controlling other. It often begins in childhood and develops as the person matures and enters adult relationships. Some detachment and ability to set boundaries is healthy. It is important to let the other person in your life accept responsibility for feelings and choices. It is appropriate to protect yourself from someone who might abuse you. It becomes problematic when it results in a pattern of disengaging in every relationship. When you perpetually disengage, there is no real connection – therefore, no real relationship, emphasis here on relating. Just two people co-existing in a very superficial way. An overly detached person finds it difficult to ask for help. It implies weakness. Attempts to allow closeness and intimacy provoke a lot of anxiety. Someone who can’t connect has difficulty feeling or expressing emotions. As a result, the emotions get bottled up and come out in inappropriate ways over (often) unrelated matters. Distance is maintained by keeping conversation superficial, finding reasons to frequently go or stay out alone (work, manufactured obligations to friends or family, etc.), or inability to commit to a long-term relationship. These behaviors come from a deep fear of being trapped or suffocated. There is fear of loss of the self, loss of choice, loss of independence. Ironically, an overly detached person often chooses a controlling, needy, clingy person to become involved with. The two then push each others’ buttons and bounce off each other like crazy till they light up like a pinball machine, and the relationship self-destructs. From an on-line article by Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99

Real hope combined
with real action has always
pulled me through difficult times.
Real hope combined with doing nothing
has never pulled me through.
Jenni Schaefer

Being More Selfish

Making small sacrifices for your partner when you don’t feel like it could be damaging your relationship, according to social scientists from the University of Arizona. Men and women offering to take on a chore normally done by the other may make them seem like the perfect partner. Yet when these sacrifices are done by a partner who is feeling stressed, it can make the stress worse, the study found. Doing chores to help out a partner may seem like the right thing to do, but if you’re in a bad mood, these sacrifices can do your relationship more harm than good, claim researchers from the University of Arizona. This in turn can lead to an increase in arguments and partners feeling taken for granted. Research scientist Casey Totenhagen and her team at the university carried out daily surveys among 154 married and unmarried couples. The length of relationship ranged from from six months to 44 years. The couples recorded all their activities from time spent with friends, to child care and chores. They were then asked to record which activities they considered to be ‘sacrifices’. Sacrifices included those they had done that were usually done by their partner. Alongside this, everyone filled in details of how well their day had been, the hassles they had experienced and how it had affected their mood. And finally, a section was reserved for them to rank their feelings towards their partners on a daily basis, including how close, committed and satisfied they felt about the relationship. The kind of sacrifices made were small and not significant in terms of how it could change a relationship but generally carried out to show ‘niceness’, said the researchers. Carrying out such good deeds while in a good mood made the person doing it feel more committed to their relationship. However, it appears to have little effect on the other partner who, in general, felt no different about the relationship after the nice act than they did before. The key to a long and happy relationship is sharing chores, instead of making sacrifices and doing your partner’s chores for them, claims research from the University of Arizona. From A Daily Mail article by Victoria Woollaston http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2317712/Being-MORE-selfish-key-successful-relationship-claims-research.html#ixzz2ezLEFZDV

Almost every sinful action ever committed
can be traced back to a selfish motive.
It is a trait we hate in other people
but justify in ourselves.
Stephen Kendrick

Pleasing the Other

A codependent relationship is one in which someone else’s needs are met before your own. Everything becomes about looking after the other person, at your expense. The term arose from situations of living with an addict, typically a substance abuser, but over time it has come to encompass a much broader population. It means chronically seeing in someone else the need to be “helped.” And helping develops into control – control of someone’s choices, behavior, even feelings. It tends to be learned behavior, starting either as a coping mechanism to survive painful experiences in a severely dysfunctional family, or in imitation of other family members in your generation or the one above you, who are caught in the same trap. It is a coping mechanism gone to an illogical extreme and has become maladaptive. It’s carried through to your own relationships, making them difficult and unsatisfying. The “co” in codependent implies that each person is dependent on the other. The one being taken care of obviously depends on the caretaker for exactly that. But the one doing the caretaking is also dependent. Implied here is not basic needs like those of a child or a sick person, but just about anything you can imagine from being the exclusive scheduler of your mutual social events and vacation plans to choosing the other’s clothing to deciding what “we” ought to do about… This person doesn’t do well alone. Self-esteem is evaluated by how well you’re pleasing the other. Often neither person sees a problem, at least not initially. It feels very “giving.” You’re working so hard to please the other that whoever you are gets lost. The one being catered to is so well taken care of that the self of that person gets lost as well. In accommodating someone else (or being accommodated to) you ignore your own wants and needs. Eventually, resentment develops on both sides, and problems arise. From an on-line article by Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99

...worrying about people
and problems doesn’t help.
It doesn’t solve problems,
it doesn’t help other people,
and it doesn’t help us.
It is wasted energy.
Melody Beattie