The Monster and The Man

Everything was enemy to me. I used denial as a defense mechanism, a way to preserve my ego and pride. I would not admit to myself that I was weak and needed help. This is how I built my monsters. I started to self medicate. Towards the end of high school and the first semester of college, I used alcohol heavily at the worst times. I would seek it out on the weekends and drink alone in the corners of house parties and in the back seat of parked cars. This was not a social activity. I smoked cigarettes in the same secretive way. When I had happy and together moments in life, I abstained from drinking and smoking – to this day, I don’t enjoy either. When I was in the valleys – when I hurt – alcohol and cigarette tobacco always arrived. The emotional abuse I saddled on those around me remains the worse product of my depression. I allowed depression to burden not only me, but two girlfriends, my family, and my closest friends. One girl could not deal with it and ended up leaving me. The other stuck around longer, and I abused her emotions without knowing it. I was terrifyingly cold and unfeeling, even as she broke down into tears and begged me to say anything. I made her feel responsible for anything that went wrong in my life. I left her more than once without warning, but would soon come back and manipulate her damaged emotions to get back together. All of it was a way for me to artificially build myself back up. I was trying to destroy my depression, but I ended up harming the most vulnerable people in my life. Cowardice and dishonesty dictated my thinking. What underlies all these abuses is a fundamental disgust and anger with one’s self. I manipulated the emotions of everyone around me to bring them down to my level and feel better about my station in life. Admitting my weakness terrified me so much that I went out and tore away. The booze and cigarettes, I think, show a self-destructive streak common to all those who suffer with depression. Although the exact motives for self-destructive thoughts vary, they usually revolve around the ideas that a man cannot deal with such a great burden or, as in my case, that a man is not worth it, that he does not deserve to live because of such weakness. . By S.M. Leahy http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/09/01/dealing-with-male-depression/

I didn’t want to wake up.
I was having a much better
time asleep. And that’s really sad.
It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
like when you wake up from a nightmare
you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
Ned Vizzini

The Addict Rarely Sees a Problem

Parasites can suck the life out of a healthy body. Relationship parasites can also destroy a healthy marriage. One form of relationship parasite is addictions, such as addictions to alcohol, illegal drugs, prescriptive drugs, gambling or pornography. No matter what the form, however, all addictions can be marriage killers. Addictions typically seem innocent at first: There’s nothing “wrong” with “a beer or two.” Lots of people buy lottery tickets or go to the casinos for a little fun. If there was anything wrong with prescriptive drugs, they would be illegal. Moreover, most people who drink beer, buy lottery tickets or take prescriptive drugs suffer no problems. What seems like fun, however, becomes an addiction when behaviors change from something a spouse enjoys to something he or she needs, then to something the spouse craves, then to something that becomes the central focus of the person’s life. Addictions don’t disappear on their own; they only get worse. Thus, the first step in addressing addictions is honestly admitting that an addiction exists. The first person to take this step is usually the non-addicted spouse. This takes courage and requires a willingness to be assertive and to clearly communicate to your spouse that there’s a problem. It may also involve your learning about the addictive process and how one begins the recovery process. The addict rarely sees a problem and, in fact, often denies a problem exists, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. Breaking through this denial can be extremely difficult. It may require the non-addicted spouse meeting with a professional counselor to develop a plan. Groups such as AA, NA, or Gamblers Anonymous can also provide useful information. Once the denial is dealt with, dealing with the addiction will also require planning and a great deal of effort. The thought processes of the addict have been changed by the addiction, and just starting the process of getting the mind to function in a rational way will take three to six months. Since the marriage is affected, it’s also essential that couple therapy get started. There will be issues of forgiveness and reconnection that need to be addressed. Addictions can destroy a marriage, but with hard work and honest support, couples can heal the hurt and rebuild their marriage into the healthy relationship they hoped for when they first fell in love. From an article by James Sheridan http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120502/LIVING/305029997/1008

Here I am
trying to live,
or rather,
I am trying
to teach
the death
within me
how to live.
Jean Cocteau

Twice As Likely to Become Alcoholics

Men are twice as likely as women to become alcoholics and now scientists believe they know why. Researchers from Columbia and Yale universities studied the underlying biology of how drinking affects the brain. They found that consuming beer and wine on a night out gave men a far greater ‘pleasure rush’ than women. The team compared a group of male and female college-age social drinkers in a laboratory test of alcohol consumption. After consuming an alcoholic or non-alcoholic drink, each participant underwent a specialized positron emission tomography (PET) scan, an imaging technique that can measure the amount of alcohol-induced dopamine release. Dopamine has multiple functions in the brain, but is important in this context because of its pleasurable effects when it is released by rewarding experiences, such as sex or drugs. Despite similar consumptions of alcohol, the men had greater dopamine release than women. This increase was found in the ventral striatum, an area in the brain strongly associated with pleasure, reinforcement and addiction formation. The findings were reported in the journal Biological Psychiatry. Senior author Dr Anissa Abi-Dargham, added: ‘Another important observation from this study is the decline in alcohol-induced dopamine release with repeated heavy drinking episodes. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1321767/Why-men-twice-likely-alcoholics–drinking-sparks-pleasure-male-brains.html

People who have never had an addiction
don’t understand how hard it can be.
Payne Stewart

Unless You Try

Going far beyond what is expected to be good, helpful and caring the majority of the time does not make up for indiscretions some of the time. Cheating within a committed relationship is wrong, no matter how many things you do to make up for it. Being emotionally abusive, or worse yet, physically abusive can not be compensated for. A basket of ‘rights’ does not make up for a ‘wrong’. The only possible way to save a troubled relationship if you are the cheater or abuser, is to make lasting change, correct your ways and then ask for forgiveness. It may be too late, but you won’t know unless you try.

When people are ready to, they change.
They never do it before then,
and sometimes they die before they get around to it.
You can’t make them change if they don’t want to,
just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.
Andy Warhol