Obsessive Love – IV

The first and foremost factor that needs to be understood before one gets to the treatment phase is that the person has to realize that he is facing a problem and wants to change himself. After which, depending on the intensity of the disorder, the different treatment options can be looked into. The following are the varied steps that can be taken in this direction.
* Keep your distance. At least for a short period of time till the obsessive thoughts don’t threaten to take over and you end up slipping back.
* Do away with everything that is ‘them’. Get rid of all the things that reminds you of them. When the constant reminders are done away with, it is easier to forget.
* Join an activity. Replace the time you would spend obsessing over them or keeping a tab on them by doing something else.
* Talk to friends and family and ask them to be your standby. Tell them that you’ll need their help in overcoming this pattern.
* Join a support group. If opening up to friends or family does not seem like a viable option, then there is always the option of joining certain support groups.
The only way that one can deal with this disorder is to understand that this is not the way to live. It is important that you break this vicious cycle of obsession and fixation with a person and discover and address the underlying causes that support this obsessive behavior. To have someone else in your thoughts and obsess over them leaves you weak and vulnerable, and affects your sanity and productivity. The consequent step is to consciously take up the treatment options that have been provided for and help yourself heal. By Parul Solanki http://www.buzzle.com/articles/obsessive-love-disorder.html

Love is as much of an object as an obsession,
everybody wants it, everybody seeks it,
but few ever achieve it, those who do,
will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all,
will never…never forget it.
Curtis Judalet

How and Why Writing Heals Wounds… Part Two

Writing that both describes traumatic events in detail and also examines how we felt about these events at the time and feel about them now (describing both negative and positive emotions), is the only kind of writing about trauma that clinically has been associated with improved health . And this is accomplished in Pennebaker’s (Dr. James Pennebaker of the University of Texas) experiments by only one hour of writing – fifteen minutes a day – over a four-day period. Later studies showed that the more days people wrote the more beneficial were the effects of writing. Dr. Pennebaker’s work is compelling. I knew nothing about it during the years when I was working on When the Piano Stops, my own memoir of recovering from incest (and Never Tell: The True Story of Overcoming a Terrifying Childhood, which was the title given its best-selling, UK print). From time to time during those years, my beloved uncle, who had a very limited understanding about what’s involved in healing from childhood sexual abuse, expressed concern about my continually revisiting the most horrifying experiences of my life. The information in this blog would have been great to share with him at that time, but of course I couldn’t. Today, however, I have the opportunity to share it with you, and I do so with the hope that if you’re a survivor of child abuse you’ll take it to heart, gather your internal resources, your memory, your pain, and your creativity, and write on! By Catherine McCall, MS, LMFT http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-child-abuse/201209/how-and-why-writing-heals-wounds-child-abuse

We must be content to grow slowly.
Most of us will still barely be
at the beginning of our recovery
by the time we die.
But that is better than killing
ourselves pretending to be healthy.
Simon Tugwell

A Haywire System

Everyone laughs when I tell them that I wrote “Codependency for Dummies”. But codependency is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans — and not just women or loved ones of addicts, as many people believe. So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling. It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult. Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/problems-of-codependents/

We know perfectly well how to be spiritual.
It’s being human that we have trouble with.
Renee Bledsoe

No One Has The Right To Criticize You

Ask yourself whether you are withholding your thoughts, opinions, or feelings because of your fear of your partner’s reaction. If so, this means that you cannot trust that your opinion will be valued in some way by your partner if you say what is true for you. Think about what that says about your relationship. Nor do we condone spewing out your feelings without some forethought or consideration about your delivery. Being aggressive or abusive with your feelings is just as unhealthy as walking on eggshells or tiptoeing around somebody. Being forthright and “adult” means expressing yourself directly, as in “I feel ______” or “When you do this particular thing, it makes me feel _____”. No one has the right to criticize you for the way you feel.
Excerpt #1 from “He Said, She said: Codependency vs. true love — how to tell them apart” By Hanalei Vierra, Ph.D. and M’Lissa Trent, Ph.D.

I believe all suffering
is caused by ignorance.
People inflict pain on others
in the selfish pursuit
of their happiness or satisfaction.
Dalai Lama

Honor the Spiritual Connection

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. From “The Gifts of Imperfection…” by Brene Brown

Love is made up of three unconditional
properties in equal measure:
1. Acceptance
2. Understanding
3. Appreciation
Remove any one of the three
and the triangle falls apart.
Vera Nazarian

Stuck In the Labyrinth

The past doesn’t exist. There is nothing to be sorry for. Today is when we start to live. Look… look at the sea. The sea has no past. It is just there. It will never ask us to explain. The stars, the moon are there to light our way, to shine for us. What do they care what might have happened in the past? They are accompanying us, and are happy with that; can you see them shine? The stars are twinkling in the sky; would they do that if the past mattered?  Illdefonso Falcones

You spend your whole life
stuck in the labyrinth,
thinking how you’ll escape one day,
and how awesome it will be,
and imagining that future keeps you going,
but you never do it.
You just use the future
to escape the present.
John Green

Where Things Just Work

I used to think that finding the right one was about the man (woman) having a list of certain qualities. If he (she) has them, we’d be compatible and happy. Sort of a check-mark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn’t so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It’s about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it’s about being with a good person. A good person on his (her) own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together. Deb Caletti

Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let go.
People are constantly changing and growing.
Do not cling to a limited, disconnected,
negative image of a person in the past.
See that person now.
Your relationship is
always alive and
changing.
Brian L. Weiss

Room Full of Ghosts

Signs you’re relating codependently in a relationship: 
o You cannot live without the other person.
o You feel trapped by the relationship.
o You feel guilty about moving on from the person.
o You want to save the other person in some way.
o You tolerate mistreatment from the other person.
o You believe if you hang on long enough, they’ll change.
o You can’t stop the other person from hurting you.
o You feel like you can’t get out of the relationship.
o You simultaneously love & hate the person.
o You’re depressed or sad for no reason.
o You  fantasize about life without the other person.
o You develop addictions that before weren’t an issue

As long as we haven’t healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than
two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room –
but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds.
Unknown

Nothing Back There

The past is a bottomless pit. No matter how far I fall into its depth there is no bottom; no sense to be made of it; no previously unknown reality to be found. Sometimes I yearn to forget the past, but could not be who I am without it. As I remember, it’s critical to acknowledge those memories are about who I ‘was’, not who I ‘am’ or ‘can be’. Yes, to a large degree I am a product of my past. However, as I man I am still moldable clay, not as pliable as I once was, but still with the ability to be shaped. It is my choice, and FULLY my choice, if I stay the same or not; whether I grow or not; whether I take responsibility for myself or continue to blame others and my circumstances. “There are no lessons to be learned from the past. This is the first thing I learned from it. There is nothing back then that there isn’t here now. There is nothing here now – nothing that matters – that wasn’t back then.” Tom Lichtenberg

I have learned that if you must leave a place
that you have lived in and loved
 and where all your yesteryears are buried deep,
leave it any way except a slow way,
leave it the fastest way you can.
Never turn back and never believe
that an hour you remember
is a better hour because it is dead.
Beryl Markham

One Small Candle

BEING lost and without a solid, genuine sense of self
BEING depressed and without a sense of direction
BEING way too passive and without enough fire in your belly
BEING way too freakin nice and without depth and edge

FEELING victimized even though you have not been
FEELING overwhelmed with being too responsible for others
FEELING invisible, unappreciated and unloved
FEELING exhausted, over-powered and not very special

ACTING confused a lot, rarely showing your full competency
ACTING like you have it together on the outside while insecurity floods your soul
ACTING bitter, beaten down and without boundaries
ACTING like you are supposed to act versus just BEING who you are

HIDING from painful realities while numbing out on whatever numbs best
HIDING your real self so as to not offend anyone
HIDING your true feelings so as to not feel as rejected later
HIDING what you really need while hoping that someone will love you enough to guess

A LOSS of hope, a loss of direction, a loss of strength, a loss of self
A LOSS of intimacy, a loss of self-care time, a loss of your potential
A LOSS of true partnership in relationships, a loss of the ability to command respect
A LOSS of your uniqueness, a loss of your voice, a loss of your full color

AN OPPORTUNITY to re-invent yourself – how cool is that?
AN OPPORTUNITY to face off with your roots, your pain, the truth about you
AN OPPORTUNITY to learn how to expand your world into something bigger and better
AN OPPORTUNITY to learn to play, to laugh out loud, to celebrate and to dance a victory dance

“Codependency Is…” by Mark Smith

It is better to light one small candle
than to curse the darkness.
Confucius