Let It Wash Over Us

Healing is more about accepting the pain and finding a way to peacefully co-exist with it. In the sea of life, pain is a tide that will ebb and weave, continually.

We need to learn how to let it wash over us, without drowning in it. Our life doesn’t have to end where the pain begins, but rather, it is where we start to mend. Jaeda DeWalt

You have no power over your past,
but you do over your present.
You have no power over your history,
but you do over your future.
You have no power over your fortune,
but you do over your actions.
You have no power over your reputation,
but you do over your character.
You have no power over destiny,
but you do over yourself.
You have no power over anyone,
but you do over your world.
Matshona Dhliwayo

The Stages of Heartbreak

Someone who is dealing with heartbreak follows patterns similar to those of the stages of death:
1. Shock and Denial– you may deny the reality of the situation; this provides emotional protection from feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The shock of loss allows a state of emptiness to move in, clouding most judgment.
2. Pain and Guilt– after the shock wears off it becomes replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. Regret for things you did wrong, or things that you weren’t able to do with this person adds to further tears. Life feels chaotic during this time, and its best to openly discuss feelings and stray from bottling up your emotions.
3. Anger and Bargaining– lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness– like everyone else in this situation, a period of sadness clouds and absorb your entire sense of being, leaving feelings of emptiness. This feeling occurs when you finally realize and accept the magnitude of your loss. Isolation from people is exceedingly normal, and offers a time to reflect on the past.
5. Acceptance and an Upward Turn– The feelings of depression lift slightly and life becomes possible to survive without that person so deeply intertwined with each activity. The days are a little easier to shuffle through, and you see the possibility of continuation. The reality of the situation is fully accepted and, although happiness may not return for some time, the ability to move forward has occurred.

Sometimes giving someone
a second chance is like giving
them another bullet for their gun
because they missed you the first time.
Unknown

Like a Cage Without a Key

A man will have faults. An overweight man can look at himself and take the steps needed to shed pounds. A man with poor eyesight can wear glasses or contact lenses. How often, though, does a man look inside himself for ways to improve? A man’s emotional and mental health are just as valuable as his physical, yet the former receives much less attention. One of the most common mental illnesses in men is depression. 10 % of men will suffer a major depressive episode during their lifetime. Great men in history who suffered from depression are numerous: Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, Winston Churchill, , and Buzz Aldrin to name a few. Aldrin overcame his depression and alcoholism, eventually becoming Chair of the National Mental Health Association. Churchill took up painting to keep what he called the “black dog” at bay. The treatment Hemingway sought for his depression only served to deepen it. The ECT shock treatments stole from him valuable memories and hindered his writing ability, precipitating his suicide… What makes mental illness, such as depression, so difficult to deal with in men is the perceived shame that comes with admitting it. The World Health Organization states that fewer than 25% of male sufferers worldwide will seek treatment “[because of] social stigmas associated with mental disorders including depression.” A man may put his pride before all else, no matter what the cost. I know this, and I know how high the price can rise. Depression’s origins vary from man to man. Sometimes traumatic events such as sudden death or illness triggers depression. Early social interaction and a man’s childhood also play a major role. If a man felt neglected or unloved by his parents, or ostracized by other children, depression is more likely to become a constant companion. Eventually, however, depression boils down to a question of biochemistry. Although we all have sad episodes in our life, even some lasting for weeks or months, men who suffer from depression have some sort of imbalance in their brain chemistry that causes pain and suffering for no reason and without warning. While looking to the past to find the root of a man’s depression can be beneficial, a focus on positive and active treatment now and in the future is most essential. By S.M. Leahy http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/09/01/dealing-with-male-depression/

That’s the thing about depression:
A human being can survive almost anything,
as long as she/(he) sees the end in sight.
But depression
is so insidious, and it compounds daily,
that it’s impossible to ever see the end.
The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

Forgiveness Sets You Free

You can extend forgiveness to those who are no longer living – but you cannot reconcile with them. You can extend forgiveness to someone who is no longer in your life and never will be again, but you cannot reconcile with them. You can extend forgiveness to someone who hurt you or abused you – but you do not have to allow that person in your life again to hurt or abuse you more. Forgiveness sets you free. Forgiveness lets you remove the pain you carry inside of you that you feel was done by another’s wrongdoing. The other person need not admit the wrongdoing. The other person need not make amends. The other person need not do anything. Forgiveness is something done inside of yourself, to release you from the pain of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness releases your need for revenge. Vengeance is counterproductive to healing. Revenge is never as sweet as we believe it will be, and vengeance serves no purpose. When anger subsides, the need for vengeance fades, and any action taken in the name of revenge is action you will probably find you need to forgive yourself for – or will have to ask for forgiveness for, at some point. It is important, however, to understand the difference between justice and vengeance. To forgive, you must let go of your desire for vengeance. However, forgiveness does not mean letting go of your right for justice. From “Forgiveness – the Gift You Give Yourself” http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you.
Lewis B. Smedes

Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn’t come automatically – but the party who wronged you does not have to ask for forgiveness for you to give it. The party who wronged you doesn’t even have to admit they made a mistake or did anything that requires forgiving. The party who wronged you doesn’t even have to make amends in order for you to forgive them. Remember, forgiveness is not a gift you give to another, but rather something you do inside of yourself – for yourself. Forgiveness IS a choice – you have to choose to forgive and let go of the pain. Reconciliation and forgiveness are two separate things – they are not mutually exclusive. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to reconcile with that person. If the other person has wronged you so severely that you simply could not trust to allow this person in your life in any capacity – reconciliation is not possible, but forgiveness is. Forgiving doesn’t mean opening yourself back up to be hurt again. Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing the other person’s behavior to continue. For reconciliation – the other person must admit their wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness, and then they must take action to prevent that wrongdoing from happening again. Reconciliation requires both you to forgive and the other person to take action. Forgiveness on the other hand doesn’t even require the other person at all.  http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

People have to forgive.
We don’t have to like them,
we don’t have to be friends with them,
we don’t have to send them hearts in text messages,
but we have to forgive them, to overlook, to forget.
Because if we don’t we are tying rocks to our feet,
too much for our wings to carry!
C. JoyBell C.

Everyone Deserves Forgiveness

Many people seem to have a misunderstanding about what it really means to forgive someone for a wrong done to them. The first thing I want to point out is… forgiveness is NOT a gift you give to another, but rather something you do inside of yourself, for yourself. The other person need never know. You can choose to extend forgiveness to the other person, if that is your choice, but it is not necessary in order to forgive inside of yourself and heal the pain you carry for a wrong another has done to you or that has affected you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation – nor does it mean you have to allow a behavior that can hurt you to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is, in essence, the acknowledgment inside of yourself that the person who has wronged you in some way is a fallible human being – and that, like a human being, they made a mistake worthy of your forgiveness. …everyone deserves forgiveness inside of themselves, because to hold on to old wounds defeats you as a person. It closes off a part of your heart and self that you cannot give to anyone else as long as you hang on to the anger and bitterness that remains in you when you do not forgive. From “Forgiveness – the Gift You Give Yourself” http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute
of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi

Do’s (For Addiction In the Family)

If you’re codependent and want to take control of your life, there are plenty of do’s to pay attention to, and at least as many don’ts. Do the following:
– Learn about chemical dependency. It’s a disease that thrives on ignorance.
– Talk to a therapist. Well-meaning friends and others untrained in the dynamics of addictions can do more harm than good.
– Contact Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous. Attend several meetings before you decide if they’re for you. Each is listed in the white pages of the phone book.
– Be honest with your kids. They’re not deaf or blind when it comes to family problems. – Plain talk from you can relieve some of their fears and insecurities.
– Be patient. Change is difficult and slow. You won’t solve all your problems overnight, but you will improve your ability to cope and resolve problems with time.
Gayle Rosellini http://www.doitnow.org/pages/804.html

You’ll always get
what you’ve always gotten
until you become
the person you’ve never been!
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Anonymous

Open to the Possibility of Hope

What exactly does trusting the process mean? There are many definitions and examples: Non-attachment. Turning it over. That it is about the journey and not the destination. That we are not alone. That we are supported every step of the way. That there are no wrong choices. That every step of the way is sacred. Many may intellectually believe this, yet on an emotional, soul level may have doubts. Many carry deep wounding and trauma around whether “God” (or whatever name is used for a Higher Power) is even trustworthy. This may be a hidden, subconscious fear, yet it still affects our ability to trust that the proverbial other shoe is not always about to drop. Is it any surprise why someone with this fear would look for solace, comfort and joy in such “false gods” of addictions? It all starts with saying thank you, even when we don’t feel grateful. All that is required is a willingness to be open to the possibility of hope. Trusting the process is a daily spiritual practice of gratitude. It is similar to exercising. We may not feel like doing it in the beginning, or that we will ever be in better health, but we do it anyway and soon we start to feel better. The more we say thank you, the more we begin to feel it. And the more we begin to feel it, the more we begin to call into our lives what we want, rather than what we don’t. From http://www.sanctuary.net/healing-center/category/codependency/

Never be afraid to trust
an unknown future
to a known God.
Corrie Ten Boom

A Mysterious Order

When I was eleven and twelve I prayed to God many times for the abuse from my stepfather to stop. It never did, so I grew up to believe that either there was no God or else He/She/It did not care about me. In adult life, my relationship with a Higher Power have been tenuous at best. My attitude for a long while was “if it is to be, it’s up to me”. I made myself my own God of sorts and felt whatever happened was by my own doing. Many years had to pass and my recovery had to begin before I could even admit the smallest possibility of a power beyond me. Even today I remain skeptical but accept there is something outside of me that is beyond my power to fully grasp and comprehend. Whether it is the power of the Universe, cosmic law or God the Creator does not materially matter to me. What does is believing in the possibility.

The human mind is not capable of grasping the Universe.
We are like a little child entering a huge library. The walls
are covered to the ceilings with books in many different
tongues. The child knows that someone must have written
these books. It does not know who or how. It does not
understand the languages in which they are written.
But the child notes a definite plan in the arrangement
of the books, a mysterious order which it does not
comprehend, but only dimly suspects.
Albert Einstein

Don’t Pick At That!

As a child I remember being told to leave a healing scab alone. “Don’t pick at that! If you do it’ll leave a scar” was the instruction of the grown ups. Of course, I didn’t always listen well. I had to learn the hard way if you injure further a healing wound it truly can leave a worse scar than it might have other wise. The same has been true of emotional wounds of my adult life. My habit has been to pick at those hurts over and over not realizing I was making the injury worse and the blemish left behind more severe. Just like a sore on the skin “itches” as it gets better, abrasions of the heart and mind itch as well. But if I resist the urge to scratch, the compulsion passes quickly most of the time and I do no additional damage.

The wounds that never heal
can only be mourned alone.
James Frey