An Emotionally Unavailable Person

Out of all the emotional vampires out there, being in relationships with emotionally unavailable people is the worst. Despite what some think, emotional distant people don’t always come across that way—at least, not at first. Indeed, many of them are fans of self-help or members of the mind and body community and on the surface appear to be emotionally available people. They often show great moments of tenderness and intimacy. For the people who end up falling in love with them, that is what lures them in and why they stay. Those moments do not last long. You may be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable individual if: 1. There’s a tendency to have relationships with people who are physically unavailable. Many emotionally unavailable people have a history of long-distance relationships or a habit of falling in love with people they have known for only short periods of time. (Think of the classic, “I met the girl/guy of my dreams on vacation.”) The fact that the person they long for is out of reach is often the spark that keeps the relationship going. However, once they get them—say, the person moves closer to be with them—the relationships tend to quickly fizzle out. It’s easy to “love” someone we don’t know a lot about. It’s easier not to have to deal with those quirks and faults on a daily basis which over time may end up bothering us. For the emotionally unavailable, there is the added benefit that they can have some of the perks of a relationship without actually having to be around them most of the time. There is literally distance between them. From a post by Kimberly Loon http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/3-signs-of-an-emotional-unavailable-person/

In the end, I’ll regret
all the chances
I didn’t take with you.
I’ll regret all the moments
I let slip by. I’ll regret all
the times I hid my feelings
from you. And in end,
my biggest regret
was losing you.
Mahmoud El Hallab

Take Your Feelings As They are

Feelings are an important part of you. In order to live fully and effectively, you need many sources of information (e.g., your senses, your thoughts, your perceptions) to guide you, motivate you, and help you make sense of things. Your emotions provide one such source. Often, there is a strong relationship between the events in your life and your feelings–for example, to feel sadness in response to loss, or to feel happiness in response to something desirable. Feelings may also be related to past events or even to expectations of the future. For example, sorrow about a recent loss may evoke sadness from past losses. These feelings can be an important source of information as well. Rather than ignore or exaggerate your feelings, it is helpful to be able to take your feelings as they are, accept them, think about them, and learn from them. When you are feeling something consider asking yourself the following kinds of questions:
What is this feeling?
What is this feeling telling me about this situation?
Why has this feeling come up right now?
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/self-awarenessself-care/experiencing-and-expressing-emotions/

Raise your words, not voice.
It is rain that grows
flowers not thunder.
Rumi

Accurate Reflections

Your interpretations can be made so rapidly and so automatically that you may not realize they are happening. When your emotional reaction is disproportionate to the event, it is likely due to your rapid, undetected interpretation of that event, more than to the event itself. In effect, your emotions can be a valuable signal to you that you may need to re-examine your interpretation. Here are some common examples of self-defeating ways people think about and interpret the events of their lives:
Dichotomous thinking: interpreting events in extremes, in “all or nothing” ways (e.g., depicting events as wonderful or terrible, with no recognition of the grey areas in between).
Excessive personalization: automatically concluding that another’s behavior or mood is in direct response to you (e.g., “She’s in a bad mood. I must have done something wrong.”.
Over-generalization: seeing an event as having more impact, in more areas of your life, than it truly does.
Filtering: magnifying negative events in your life and discounting positive ones.
Emotional reasoning: concluding that what you feel must be the truth (e.g., if you feel stupid, you must be stupid).
Learn to recognize any tendencies you may have to distort events through interpretational styles like these, and then practice choosing and committing to more valid interpretations. The resulting emotions will be more accurate reflections of the events in your life. http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/self-awarenessself-care/experiencing-and-expressing-emotions/

I am, indeed, a king,
because I know how
to rule myself.
Pietro Aretino

Out of Control

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that behind anger is another root emotion, such as pain, humiliation or fear. Thus, before something triggers a loss of control due to anger, you are already setting the stage for that loss of control by letting yourself feel all those other negative, primary emotions. For instance, you may feel humiliation because your wife constantly puts you down in small ways, or you may fear for your job because your boss criticizes you for not getting to work on time. Except in the case of people with certain kinds of psychiatric problems, loss of control is usually triggered by a specific event. If the build-up wasn’t present, the trigger may not actually lead to a loss of control. For instance, if your wife never puts you down but does so on one isolated occasion, or your boss never harps on you for getting to work late except on one particular day when you are supposed to prepare for a big presentation, you’re likely to ignore the trigger and remain in control. But when other primary emotions from build-up are already present, the trigger can set off a loss of control. When you’ve finally had enough, your blood pressure and heart rate rise and your body releases fight-or-flight hormones. This is when you’ve actually lost all control. You may scream, insult and even hit. People who lose control often do and say things that they later regret, but they can’t help themselves from doing and saying those things at this stage because they are not thinking clearly. That lack of clarity is a result of the loss of control. By Cynthia Gomez, http://www.ehow.com/list_6767160_three-stages-being-out-control.html#ixzz27DkNIOmb

It is wise to direct
your anger towards
problems, not people;
to focus your energies
on answers; not excuses.
William Arthur Ward

Depression Is So Insidious

You are constantly told in depression that your judgment is compromised, but a part of depression is that it touches cognition. That you are having a breakdown does not mean that your life isn’t a mess. If there are issues you have successfully skirted or avoided for years, they come cropping back up and stare you full in the face, and one aspect of depression is a deep knowledge that the comforting doctors who assure you that your judgment is bad are wrong. You are in touch with the real terrible-ness of your life. You can accept rationally that later, after the medication sets in, you will be better able to deal with the terrible-ness, but you will not be free of it. When you are depressed, the past and future are absorbed entirely by the present moment, as in the world of a three-year-old. You cannot remember a time when you felt better, at least not clearly; and you certainly cannot imagine a future time when you will feel better. From “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression” by Andrew Solomon

A human being can
survive almost anything,
as long as (he) she sees
the end in sight. BUT,
depression is so insidious,
and it compounds daily,
that it’s impossible
to ever see the end.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

Searching to Fulfill this Emotion

Heartbreak is more than just an emotional defeat; to some the pain is very real. At one point or another, everyone must experience this mind numbing feeling (unless you confine yourself to a house and never interact with even a pet) but that’s not the norm and you’re probably not reading this article if you’ve had that kind of sheltered life. Heartbreak can be caused by many different circumstances and that’s what makes this emotion easily recognized by nearly every person on the planet. It can result from the loss of a loved one, a partner, a friend and even a close pet. Or it can be caused from disappointment, betrayal or a change from known surroundings. It might not even be a loss at all but a sense of loss, or the realization that the love of the person you care most for is drifting far from where it had always been. Love, in the same perspective as heartbreak, neither has a corrective definition nor specific amplitude implied by the physical word itself. There’s a never-ending limit to the definition of love because there are so many things we love and in many different ways. There’s friendship love, love for animals and possessions, love for music or hey, even food. Then there’s that kind of love that is so overwhelming perfect, passionate and meaningful, a love that you have never before been able to achieve. This is the love we’re going to be talking about throughout this article, but before we can continue on, we must first understand why we as humans are constantly searching to fulfill this emotion. A part of the desire comes from what we find most joyful in life. If you search for this answer, and look upon previous actions objectively, it’s simple to say that we are satisfied by making others happy. We receive complete satisfaction from doing things for others, and this feeling increases with the intensity of love we feel towards that specific person or thing. When you lose someone you love, you have lost the sense of purpose acquired by the relationship between them and yourself. You lose the purpose you felt when doing simple things to make them smile, and making yourself joyful in return. The cycle should continue endlessly, but as we know that could only occur in a perfect world, which this is not. Heartbreak happens, and it changes who we are for the better (in most cases) and so will it be for the rest of our lives and next. “We of course equate the pain of loss to the intensity of the love, but that is not what is behind the pain. The more you love and feel loved, the greater the increase of your sense of purpose because when you do something for just anyone and they do not appreciate it; your sense of purpose is not completely satisfied. It requires seeing who you are helping, and their appreciation to make it complete.” says personal developer, David Samuel. Continuous searching comes from our need not only to self imply a purpose of being, but also to find the “one” that will make us feel needed, appreciated, and most importantly, well, loved. We act in some silly ways just to be able to have a someone that we can call our own. We act crazy, we do stupid things, and we make regrettable mistakes, but hey, that’s just falling in love. We start picturing the rest of days together, share every ounce of pointless information we can recall, and create a bond greater than ever perceived, all before a thought of those three little words comes to mind. By Ashley Cox http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak-33900

You’ve gotta dance
like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.
William W. Purkey

Moving On Is the Goal

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses: #1) Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable). #2) Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional. #3) Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses). Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever. Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process. Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones. Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression – Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

No, the divorce
was great”…
It was the marriage
   that sucked.
Lisa Kleypas

Against Reason

What a wicked game to play,
to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do,
to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say,
you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do,
to make me dream of you…
Chris Isaak
What possible good can come from such persistent pain? “There’s a kneejerk bias we have that only ‘feel-good’ states are adaptive, and things that make us feel bad are pathological,” says Matthew Keller, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Colorado. “But there are actually many unpleasant states— including pain, fever, nausea, and diarrhea—that don’t feel good but are nevertheless highly adaptive.” Sure you loved her with all your heart, but your brain played a big role, too. When you’re in love, your brain… churns out dopamine, the “crave” hormone. Couple this with the warm feelings… and you have the recipe for addiction. That’s why you’re in trouble if your drug ever decides to pack her bags and leave. “Often, people will name their partner’s small, strange quirks as the things they miss most,” says Ty Tashiro, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Colorado. “But those mundane details indicate that they miss familiarity and comfort, not the specific person.” Insomnia is a major side effect of heartbreak, and it can impair your ability to view her objectively. “The less you sleep, the less control you have over your emotions,” says David Sbarra, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. By Jim Thornton http://menshealth.intoday.in/story/Survive-a-heartbreak/0/2018.html

Isn’t that the greatest tragedy?
When someone rejects us,
no matter how they abuse our love,
we hope against reason
that somehow they will come back to us.
Suzanne Elizabeth Anderson

Not an All-Or-Nothing Proposition

Over the past decade, scientists have shed new light on heartbreak. The forces that bind two people in union are powerful, but love’s dissolution is more potent—a trauma that in some cases can be indistinguishable from mental illness. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that of men who’d been romantically rejected, 40 per cent remained clinically depressed. “A heart broken from love lost rates among the most stressful life events a person can experience,” says David Buss, PhD, the author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. The end of a long-term relationship can be traumatic, especially for a man whose mate cheats on him, suddenly announces a divorce, or dies. The flood of stress hormones accompanying such events can actually weaken the heart. Experts know three drives goad our urge to mate and each of them steers our actions through neurotransmitters and pathways in the brain. The most primitive of these drives is lust, which propels us to seek sex with a range of partners. Lust is fueled mainly by testosterone. The second and more potent is known as attraction or “romantic love.” Unlike lust, this focuses our energies intensively and selectively on a preferred mate. It’s what we feel when we meet “the one.” Neuroimaging studies of men who are “madly in love” reveal significantly elevated activity in the brain…where dopamine, a neurotransmitter critical to motivation and reward is made and distributed. Dopamine drives us to look for food, water, sex and love, says Lucy Brown, PhD, a neuroscientist at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. Our third system is called attachment or “companionate love.” This drive is critical in cementing the bonds vital to cooperative parental care. Attachment is not an all-or-nothing proposition, but a gradual process that is likely facilitated by two other hormones that flood the brain during intimacy: oxytocin, dubbed the “cuddle compound,” and vasopressin, a tension-taming peptide. When attachment is broken, says Todd Ahern, PhD, a neuroscience researcher, the effects are twofold: It leaves males bereft of stress-relieving compounds and spikes their level of stress hormones. The result is heartbreak and, in some cases, depression. By Jim Thornton http://menshealth.intoday.in/story/Survive-a-heartbreak/0/2018.html

…pieces of your heart
clearly weigh more
when they’re sitting
shattered at the bottom
of your stomach.
Heather Brewer

Stereotype of the Heroic Male

When upset, women are more likely to express their feelings directly, and to seek the support of friends and family, whereas men might hide their emotions or withdraw. Men often feel that they need to be self-reliant. They are sometimes focused on providing for their loved ones and hide their own emotions. This behavior is reinforced everyday in the stereotype of the heroic male, so often represented in popular culture. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity alone, these characters tell us a lot about what is considered to be ideal male behavior within our society. More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing. Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely, if ever, cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave becomes the unconscious template for our own behavior. It is helpful to think in terms of four basic human emotions: Sadness; Anger; Happiness; Fear. Of these four emotions, happiness is considered the most acceptable in society. Yet anger, fear and sadness are universally felt by everyone. These emotions serve valuable purposes and are normal responses to threat and loss. As emotions such as fear and sadness are generally not as accepted, men might try to hide these from themselves and those around them. They feel that they should be able cope on their own. We might not always be able to identify what we’re feeling or have the words to describe our emotions. Men may feel uncomfortable talking to someone about them, leading to frustration in relationships when they cannot express their needs, fears and grief. https://www.google.com/search?q=men+emotions&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-Address&ie=&oe=

Let’s not forget
that the little emotions
are the great captains
of our lives and we obey them
without realizing it.
Vincent Van Gogh