The Most Terrible Deception

While in a monogamous relationship seeing an attractive woman and finding her physically appealing is a normal thing. Reacting to that attraction and cheating on the one committed to you is NOT! Sure, some men will tell you it’s OK and a biologically natural thing for a man to do. That is only rational thinking for when we were only animals grunting about in the bushes; not today. Following through on an urge to be unfaithful can be everything from a bad mistake to sexual compulsion to a form of addiction. A grown up should know better and if you can’t control yourself, do what I did; get help. Don’t let it come close to destroying your life as it almost did mine.

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception;
it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation,
either in time or in eternity.
Soren Kierkegaard

Unless You Try

Going far beyond what is expected to be good, helpful and caring the majority of the time does not make up for indiscretions some of the time. Cheating within a committed relationship is wrong, no matter how many things you do to make up for it. Being emotionally abusive, or worse yet, physically abusive can not be compensated for. A basket of ‘rights’ does not make up for a ‘wrong’. The only possible way to save a troubled relationship if you are the cheater or abuser, is to make lasting change, correct your ways and then ask for forgiveness. It may be too late, but you won’t know unless you try.

When people are ready to, they change.
They never do it before then,
and sometimes they die before they get around to it.
You can’t make them change if they don’t want to,
just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.
Andy Warhol

The Courage to Suffer

Recovery from codependence is not for cowards. It requires courage that comes from realizing it hurts more to stay the same, than it hurts to change. Courage is finding the inner strength and bravery required when confronting danger, difficulty, or opposition… it resides deep within each of us, ready to be accessed in those moments when you need to forge ahead or break through seemingly insurmountable barriers. It is the intangible force that propels you forward on your journey… Courage is learned in the moment that you take a leap of faith and take action. Cherie Carter-Scott PH.D. from the book “If Life is a Game, These are the Rules”

There is no need to be ashamed of tears,
 for tears bear witness that a man has the greatest of courage,
 the courage to suffer.
Viktor Frankl 

To Separate Desperation from Determination

There will come a point when you’ll realize you have done far much for someone and the only possible next step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. See that you can’t fix them or the circumstances. It’s not that you’re giving up or shouldn’t try, it’s just that you are drawing a line ‘in the sand’ to separate desperation from determination. What is truly meant to be yours will eventually be yours one way or another. And what is not destined to be yours will never be no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes you end up losing yourself
trying to hold onto someone
who doesn’t care about losing you.

Life is a Choice

Choice is the exploration of desire and then the selection of action. In every moment, you are choosing either to align yourself with your own true path or to veer away from it. There are no neutral actions. Even the smallest gesture has a direction to it, leading you closer to your path or farther away from it, whether you realize it or not. (Cherie Carter-Scott)  People in healthy, interdependent relationships do whatever is best for both partners. They make sincere, reliable agreements with each other, based on their separate wants and needs, and they generally stick to them. There is no happily-ever-after on this plane of existence. I may find a princess but she will have issues to deal with. We all do.

Life is a choice.
It is YOUR life.
Choose consciously,
choose wisely,
choose honestly.
Choose happiness.
Bronnie Ware

When The Student is Ready

When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, we change. That thought is etched on my mind. My recovery and healing could not began in earnest until there was no other path to take. In Andy Warhol’s book “In His Own Words” is found, When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them. When the student is ready the teacher and the teachings appear.

Incredible change happens in your life
when you decide to take control
of what you do have power over
instead of craving control
over what you don’t.
Steve Maraboli

As Small As Your Controlling Desire

One strong symptom of codependence is when a man feels his life would be great if others would only do what he wants them to do.  Trying to control others is CODEPENDENCY in capital letters. There is only possible way to influence change in others: change yourself. Then by your example others may be inspired to better themselves as they have witnessed you do, but it must be without any coercion.  Ultimately every adult’s life is theirs to live as they choose, and should be respected no matter how misdirected their choices may appear.

You will become as small as your controlling desire;
as great as your dominant aspiration.
James Allen