Often Misguided

Slavery is at the heart of dysfunctional families. When people serve others because they are forced to do so, freedom to truly serve is lost. Slavery hardens the heart, creates anger, bitterness and resentment. On the other hand, true love often finds its expression in acts of serve. It is service freely given, not out of fear but out of choice. It comes out of personal discovery that “it is more blessed to give than to receive. Dr. Gary Chapman author of “The Five Love Languages”

Lack of love from parents
often motivates their children
to go searching for love
in other relationships.
This search is often misguided
and leads to further disappointment.
Dr. Gary Chapman

Mother Haters

Mother Haters are… disturbing. These guys have never had a good relationship with the female representative in their life. While this is sad, and can be for any number of reasons, this does not bode well for the woman in his life if he hasn’t faced and dealt with the issues that this situation can create. A mother hater will probably have some serious control and possession issues. He’ll be Jekyll and Hyde, and this will lead to some serious disagreements. Because of his lack of positive relationship with the female figure in his life, he will try to take away some of your confidence in public or in private, to gain control, and to also bring you to a manageable level. Communication from him will be very poor. He will find it difficult to relate to you and when he sees you upset, he’ll struggle to feel sympathetic. If your partner is a Mother Hater, it’s ideal for him to spend some time in counseling to get to the heart of his issues. If he doesn’t recognize why he’s the way he is, the relationship is doomed because you’ll always be the bad guy, and he’ll always be the misunderstood perfect guy that can’t get a woman to be the way that he wants her to be, reinforcing his very skewed idea of women. I admire any woman that can overcome the different types of struggles that each of these guys bring. It takes patience, care, love, trust, and it takes a hell of a lot of understanding. The key is to ensure that your feelings and needs are not forgotten in the quest to ‘fix’ these guys. Ultimately either type of guy needs to want to change and if it’s like pulling teeth and he’s showing resistance, it would be best to hand over the fixer upper project to someone else and invest your time in a mutual relationship. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mother-lovers-mother-haters/

The best years of your life
are the ones in which
you decide your problems
are your own.
You do not blame them
on your mother, the ecology,
or the president.
You realize that you
control your own destiny.
Albert Ellis

Improved “Relationship Picker”

Go to the mirror now, and look yourself in the eye. There is a child inside of you, the child you used to be. He or she is you — a frightened child who is frozen in time because of harm suffered and endured at a young age. You know you desperately want to be released from the shackles of self-doubt, self-loathing and fear. You, and only you, can make the determination to walk down a new path in life that will certainly bring you to happiness, serenity and improved self-esteem. The decision is yours: Live with limited risk but perpetual relational dysfunction, or risk everything and choose to begin the personal/emotional work that will bring you to healthy and satisfying mutual love — true love. Along the way, you are likely to make a mistake or two. Do not let the pain of these mistakes throw you off course. More importantly, don’t second guess your commitment to yourself. There will be a payoff — I promise! In time, you will realize that you are now healthy, confident and strong enough to choose a romantic partner who is first and foremost a friend and who loves, cares and respects you for who you are, not just what you can do for him or her. You also will find that your improved “relationship picker” will help you get to the point in which you are ready “to take the one hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.” Your improved psychological health will change the “polarity” of your human magnet. You will start to naturally repel narcissists while finding yourself irresistibly attracted to a person with whom you share deep feelings of love, respect and caring. Better yet, a person who wants to love, respect, and care for you will be attracted to you! From an article by Ross A. Rosenberg http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-a-rosenberg/dealing-with-codependency-_b_3854196.html

In dreams and in love
there are no impossibilities.
Janos Arnay

Don’t Let Depression Win…

The annual epidemic of those with the “holiday blues” is setting in. While the number of those leading lives of “quiet desperation” over the holidays isn’t accurately understood … they don’t call it an epidemic for nothing. Those depressed aren’t just the usual suspects … teenagers, singles or widows who live alone … holiday depression strikes married men and women, those in relationships, introverts or extroverts. You can be a 13-year-old boy or a 48-year-old married mother of three. Those depressed often don’t disclose their condition because they themselves can’t articulate what they’re feeling … sometimes vague but very, very real … and hard to describe. Many of those affected don’t think others will understand (they may be right) and don’t want to be seen as “whiners” during a time when everyone around them is being upbeat. In effect, you can’t tell who may be or not be depressed in your circle. But not being able to tell doesn’t mean they aren’t there. When someone is depressed, their quality of life is significantly (and could be severely) degraded and those around them can be impacted. Since most of us can’t tell who may be affected by depression during the holidays, the best advice may be to engage in some personal outreach with all those close to you.
• Inquire — A friend of mine regularly comes up and asks how I’m doing … seriously and in a way that communicates he genuinely wants to know. I have to actually think what the answer is and I feel better he cared enough to really ask.
• Invite — Whether single or married with kids … anyone can be depressed and might enjoy a lunch, after work drink or evening out with a friend. All of us feel better when we feel included and desired as social partners.
• Empathize — The capacity of understanding emotions in another person is a powerful force. Being depressed often involves a huge sense of isolation … the sense that someone significant in your life empathizes with you can be uplifting.
• Encourage — Making the suggestion to see a therapist or other trained professional can give a depressed person the “permission” they may need to seek help without feeling guilty. The stigma of mental health treatment is still strong in our society and affirmation of the value of mental health treatment from a trusted friend or family member is important. From an article by Bill Schroer http://www.battlecreekenquirer.com/article/20131221/OPINION02/312210010/Bill-Schroer-Don-t-let-depression-win-out-over-holidays

A human being can survive almost anything,
as long as she (he) sees the end in sight.
But depression is so insidious,
and it compounds daily,
that it’s impossible
to ever see the end.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

Never Too Late to Be Who You Might Have Been

We all come into this imperfect world, in imperfect families, as imperfect versions of ourselves. Not one of us is without a story or two about family dysfunction, economic hardships, medical limitations, self-esteem challenges and more. Through conscious choices, personal commitment and hard work, we all can experience the world as fully competent, secure, loving and loved individuals. With a fervent belief in ourselves and a commitment to becoming the very best version of ourselves, we can achieve our God-given right to experience joy and healthy love. Taking good care of yourself, healing your emotional wounds, and unconditionally loving yourself, will bring you closer to your dreams. My very favorite quote by George Eliot exemplifies the malleable and indomitable nature of the human psyche/human spirit: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” As a survivor of some rather challenging relationships with emotional manipulators, I must say to the codependent readers there is most definitely hope for healthy love! I am living proof that if you make a commitment to a healing and transformational process, it is possible to squelch, if not completely stop, the dysfunctional voices that our emotional manipulator parents instilled in our minds. We all have the power to terminate the commanding unconscious force that compels us to replicate our childhood trauma through our choices of dysfunctional adult romantic partners. With the help of loved ones and qualified professional services, it is possible to heal those childhood wounds that have unconsciously directed you to “dance” with the same dysfunctional partner over and over again. Stopping your own personal insanity will take perseverance and courage. It will require dedication, diligence, endurance, patience and probably a stint or two of psychotherapy. From an article by Ross A. Rosenberg http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-a-rosenberg/dealing-with-codependency-_b_3854196.html

Better a diamond
with a flaw
than a pebble
without.
Confucius

Drub Addiction and the Brain

Addiction is a complex disorder characterized by compulsive drug use. While each drug produces different physical effects, all abused substances share one thing in common: repeated use can alter the way the brain looks and functions. Taking a recreational drug causes a surge in levels of dopamine in your brain, which trigger feelings of pleasure. Your brain remembers these feelings and wants them repeated. If you become addicted, the substance takes on the same significance as other survival behaviors, such as eating and drinking. Changes in your brain interfere with your ability to think clearly, exercise good judgment, control your behavior, and feel normal without drugs. Whether you’re addicted to inhalants, heroin, Xanax, speed, or Vicodin, the uncontrollable craving to use grows more important than anything else, including family, friends, career, and even your own health and happiness. The urge to use is so strong that your mind finds many ways to deny or rationalize the addiction. You may drastically underestimate the quantity of drugs you’re taking, how much it impacts your life, and the level of control you have over your drug use. People who experiment with drugs continue to use them because the substance either makes them feel good, or stops them from feeling bad. In many cases, however, there is a fine line between regular use and drug abuse and addiction. Very few addicts are able to recognize when they have crossed that line. by Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Joanna Saisan, M.S.W. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm

Here I am trying to live,
or rather, I am trying to
teach the death within
me how to live.
Jean Cocteau

Controlling Anger

Close, trusting relationships with others help you avoid depression after life stresses and help prevent illness, speed recovery, and promote longevity. But a bad relationship can cause depression and make your life seem like hell. In the best relationships, the partners calmly and tactfully talk about irritations, disagreements, and conflicts without blaming each other and then problem solve, negotiate, and compromise. Occasional arguments with yelling can feel good when it unearths important issues and leads to problem solving, but it often results in hurt feelings, sabotages problem solving so that problems become chronic, damages trust and closeness, and may lead to a partner feeling very justified in lying or deceiving by omission. Research shows sharing feelings is much more important to closeness and happiness in relationships than the sharing of facts. Work on recognizing anger early, before it escalates. Point out when voices get louder, faster, more tense, or more demanding. Use unkind sarcasm or failure to follow through on commitments as a clue to anger. Once you recognize your anger, make a polite request. If it works, you don’t even need to express your anger. If it doesn’t work, use your anger to tactfully insist on negotiation, compromise, and problem solving. The anger will pass if you accept it and express it respectfully. Anger often covers up feelings of hurt, insecurity, inadequacy, or fear. Use “I feel (an emotion) when (this happened)” statements, but not “I feel you …” or “I feel (an emotion) when you …” statements, which often lead to critical, blaming comments. From “Controlling Anger in Relationships ” by Chuck T. Falcon http://www.sensiblepsychology.com/improving_anger.htm

Relationships don’t
always make sense.
Especially
from the outside
Sarah Dessen

Your Responsibility Alone

Once you understand that you actively seek others out to either cater to you, or to cater to, you can start taking better care of your self, and begin attracting healthier people into your life. Most often two people who have found themselves in habitual patterns of codependent behavior and thinking, cannot make a relationship work. Although it is possible, the constant policing of one another’s thoughts can be maddening. Therapy is extremely helpful in trying to break the thought patterns associated with codependent thinking. Journaling is also a useful tool, because it helps keep awareness alive. In addition it is wise to spend time with people who are free of codependent issues, as they offer the best models for relationships to strive for. If you tend to assume the role of caretaker easily, be wary of those who try to coerce you into roles that require you to take care of others emotionally, psychologically, or financially. Any time someone pushes past a personal boundary you have set, chances are you might be engaging with another codependent. In any healthy relationship, freedom of expression is encouraged not discouraged. If you find you are feeling like someone’s parent in a love relationship, it is best to graciously move on. If you are a taker, own that role and begin to understand it is no one’s job to cater to your emotional whims. It is your responsibility alone to meet life head on and to grow as a self reliant individual. It is not enough to cling to others, and to guilt partners into being in a relationship with you. Decide it is no longer enough to be someone else’s project, and head off in search of your true self. A healthy relationship is one that feels like a great pair of comfortable shoes that feel like they were made just for you. Your feet are just happier in them. When relationships are right, they fit. When they don’t they’re as uncomfortable as a size 5 shoe on a size 10 foot. From an article by Lisa A. Romano http://www.examiner.com/article/codependency-and-how-it-destroys-relationships

Addiction begins
with the hope
that something
“out there” can
instantly fill up
the emptiness
inside.
Jean Kilbourne

Truth About Workaholics

Many people confuse hard-working people with workaholics. Workaholism means that you value work over any other activity, even when it negatively affects your health and family, as well as the quality of your work. On the other hand, there are many people who put in long hours, but still give back to their loved ones and enjoy outside activities when they have free time. These people are hard workers, not workaholics. There is a very serious distinction between the two. When work becomes all-consuming and joyless – that is, you go well beyond what’s necessary and have no other interests or activities – it becomes a negative addiction. Workaholics work because they have nothing else to take its place. Their work addiction is a recurring obsession, and typically joyless. These days too many people are being labeled (or labeling themselves) “workaholics” just for putting in a few extra hours per week. The truth is that in this poor economy, many of these people are working extra hard just to keep their jobs. Real workaholics have few (if any) outside interests. They let their family lives fall apart. They often have health problems and suffer from depression and deep insecurities. Like any addiction, they repeat destructive behaviors despite knowing that they’re destructive. Many would like to stop, but find it difficult or impossible to do so. Workaholics should not be confused with people who are simply hard workers, love their jobs and go the extra mile to finish a project. By contrast, a workaholic is someone who constantly thinks about work, and without work feels anxious and depressed. Workaholics are difficult to get along with, because they frequently push others as hard as they push themselves. The evidence is clear that being a workaholic leads to serious physical problems. Don’t risk your life for your job! Seek help and learn to cope with the need to overwork. The key is to understand that sometimes an obsession with your job performance is more than normal hard work. It’s a real – and dangerous – addiction. From an article by Morley D. Glicken http://www.careercast.com/career-news/truth-about-workaholics

Workaholics aren’t heroes.
They don’t save the day,
they just use it up.
The real hero is home
because (he) she
figured out a faster way.
Jason Fried

Male Dependence on Women

A healthy functional human relationship is one that is based on exchanging value for value with another person. Think of your close male friends. You respect and admire their character based on their virtues. You derive satisfaction from spending time with them in response to the values they hold in common with you. In contrast the average modern relationship a man has with a woman is one that is very twisted and corrupt when observed from a rational standard. “The man who attempts to live for others is a dependent. He is a parasite in motive and makes parasites of those he serves. The relationship produces nothing but mutual corruption… …the man who enslaves himself voluntarily in the name of love is the basest of creatures. He degrades the dignity of man and he degrades the conception of love.” -Howard Roark “The Fountainhead” Frequently we discuss the idea that women are parasitic by nature and very often in practice in our modern society. What is rarely discussed is how the majority of men in marriages and relationships are also parasites but in a different way. Hence forth in this post I will refer to these men as Coppertops because they serve as the store of energy and resources that women and society feed off of. The coppertop spends his entire life in pursuit of this one addiction he values more than anything, even sex. He gets it wherever he can, from friends, family and society but most often in a romantic relationship with a woman. This visceral need is exactly what turns him into the slave of the spirit that Roark discusses. Once he has it he will go to any lengths to keep it coming. He will offer up his complete subservience and enter into a marriage even when he knows it to be rationally against his interests. Once he has become her slave he will tolerate nearly any abuse and hardship in the name of his love for her, but in reality it is done out of his desperate need for her validation. In order to feel himself a “real man” he has to feel needed by someone. He has to feel useful and will gladly be a utility for her while at the same time she is in fact useless and feeds off his hard-earned resources, offering little to nothing in return. Only her non-existent “love” which he accepts in the form of him being validated as a useful being. Once the female parasite has finished feeding off her host and gives in to her natural hypergamous needs, she will dump him and move on to the “bigger better deal”. To the hardcore coppertop, this event will utterly destroy him. It will annihilate his spirit. The one thing he needed from her more than anything has been completely revoked and rejected. http://www.mgtowforums.com/forums/gyow-general-discussion/19758-male-dependence-women-leads-mutual-corruption-parasitism.html

Life is like a game of poker,
you are dealt a hand,
and only you decide
what to keep
and what to throw away…
Unknown