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Communication style is the No. 1 thing the study’s divorced individuals said they would change in the next relationship (41% said they would communicate differently). Spouses need to speak in a calm and caring voice. They should learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger. They have to practice “active listening,” where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if they understood correctly. To communicate well, partners need to reveal more about themselves, not just do “maintenance communication.” It doesn’t have to be emotional,” Dr. Orbuch* says (Dr. Terri Orbuch, University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research). “But it should be about issues where you learn about what makes each other tick.” Such topics help your partner understand you better. Dr. Orbuch suggests a 10-minute rule: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics. “You need to tell each other about your lives and see what makes you each tick,” Dr. Orbuch says. From “Divorcé’s Guide to Marriage” by Elizabeth Bernstein http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444025204577544951717564114.html

I don’t know what makes people
start wanting each other any more
than I know what makes it stop
all of a sudden. I just know that
when you lose it once,
you’ll never take it
for granted again.
Sue Merrell