One careless choice led to another and another made with little thought except the dysfunctional compulsions that mindlessly drive me. Like one person split in separate parts I am pulled in two directions at once. One is the self-destructive part that moves constantly toward danger and the darkness that feeds its desire. The other drags me toward the light where this half believes contentment and safety can be found if I am good enough. Stuck in the middle I feel like I am splitting apart much of the time, even wishing I could get it over with and go one way or the other. No matter what I do the dark chases me relentlessly and is always one step behind me. Bouncing like a pinball in a pinball machine I simply bounce off what ever I come in contact with and go sailing off to bump into the next one. It’s slow madness that gets worse as time passes but is as familiar as my hand is when I look down at it. I can’t remember when I wasn’t like this. But I do hate it so very much. I am in control of being out of control.
How did I make such a mess
of a life so richly blessed?
James Browning
Male Codependence 
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