One Small Candle

BEING lost and without a solid, genuine sense of self
BEING depressed and without a sense of direction
BEING way too passive and without enough fire in your belly
BEING way too freakin nice and without depth and edge

FEELING victimized even though you have not been
FEELING overwhelmed with being too responsible for others
FEELING invisible, unappreciated and unloved
FEELING exhausted, over-powered and not very special

ACTING confused a lot, rarely showing your full competency
ACTING like you have it together on the outside while insecurity floods your soul
ACTING bitter, beaten down and without boundaries
ACTING like you are supposed to act versus just BEING who you are

HIDING from painful realities while numbing out on whatever numbs best
HIDING your real self so as to not offend anyone
HIDING your true feelings so as to not feel as rejected later
HIDING what you really need while hoping that someone will love you enough to guess

A LOSS of hope, a loss of direction, a loss of strength, a loss of self
A LOSS of intimacy, a loss of self-care time, a loss of your potential
A LOSS of true partnership in relationships, a loss of the ability to command respect
A LOSS of your uniqueness, a loss of your voice, a loss of your full color

AN OPPORTUNITY to re-invent yourself – how cool is that?
AN OPPORTUNITY to face off with your roots, your pain, the truth about you
AN OPPORTUNITY to learn how to expand your world into something bigger and better
AN OPPORTUNITY to learn to play, to laugh out loud, to celebrate and to dance a victory dance

“Codependency Is…” by Mark Smith

It is better to light one small candle
than to curse the darkness.
Confucius

Light in the Darkness

When reason speaks to you, listen to what it says and you shall be saved. Make good use of its words and you shall be armed. For reason is a clever minister, a loyal guide, and a wise counselor. And just as anger obscures the light, reason is a light in the darkness. Do not forget, however, than even if reason illuminates you, it is not effective without understanding. Without its true-born sister, reason is a wanderer without a roof over its head; and understanding without reason is like an unguarded house. Kahlil Gibran

I know that you
believe you understand
what you think I said,
but I’m not sure you realize
that what you heard
is not what I meant.
Robert McCloskey

They Should Know What He Wants

A man ought never to “should” on himself and he never ought to “should” on anyone else. “Should’s” are future expectations that have yet to be born. The problem with expectations about others is they are built from assumptions. When a codependent man assumes he knows what his wife or girlfriend thinks, or believes he understands how they feel, he makes a decision on how they should behave toward him. The expectation is for her to act a particular way based on some crazy idea that she”should” know what he wants or what he meant! The result is that his hints about his birthday get missed. He assumes she got the message. Resentment comes on strong when his birthday passes without the gift he expected. Or he helped clean up after dinner and took the kids out of her hair but was disappointed when she did not want to have the same romantic encounter that he was expecting! He ends up angry and resents trying to help out when she seemingly doesn’t care about his needs! Luckily there is hope if communication can be kept from breaking down. Keep it honest and keep it open! Say what you honestly mean and mean what you honestly say. adapted from an article by Corinna Craddock

It is not a lack of love,
but a lack of friendship
that makes unhappy marriages.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The Killer

Codependence kills! Everyone knows there are diseases that kill rapidly, but it is a surprise to many that a dis-ease like codependency is a killer. It snuffs out relationships. It destroys careers. It emotionally lacerates lives. Then there are the “addictions”: alcohol, drugs, sex, food, money, gambling, smoking and more that kill more slowly, but just as surely as a fast acting poison. Each comes from an attempt to mask the hurt and feel better, yet all that is accomplished is to trade one type of pain for another. As long as an addiction is active, most can never see the root of their problem and why they work so hard to medicate and hide it away. Frequently, if not almost always, codependency is at the root of an addict’s addiction. Until it is treated successfully and recovery is underway, old behaviors will usually come back again and again until codependence shows itself as the killer it is.

If you were to meet me on the street
and I’d smile and introduce myself
could you tell the scars I hide underneath theses clothes?
would you see thru my eyes?
that I’m killing myself slowly inside
or could you only tell that they are blue.
From “Killing Myself Slowly” by “silenttears09”
Found at allpoetry.com

Trapped, Controlled, Resentful…

There’s a dance that codependent couples do, and it takes two who know the steps. If you think your wife is codependent, there’s a good chance you are, too. Often codependent men are attracted to women who are needy, demanding, jealous, or critical. Men become dependent on their wives’ approval, and then feel trapped by their manipulation, demands, or expectations. They’re unable to set boundaries and fear emotional retaliation and/or rejection, including withholding of sex. In the beginning, a man can feel powerful, helping a needy girlfriend or wife and giving her attention or gifts. Fear of rejection and abandonment are powerful motivators for codependency, usually because of early emotional abandonment by a parent. Consequently, the men never leave – physically – but withdraw to the safety of a self-made emotional prison. After a while, they feel trapped, controlled, and resentful… some look outside the marriage for validation. However, it’s not their wives that are the cause of their problem, it’s their codependency.
From an article by Psychologist Darlene Lancer
http://darlenelancer.com/blog/dilemmas-of-codependent-men

A big part of letting go
is recognizing when it is time
to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
Darren L. Johnson

If You Marry the Wrong Person

A chameleon can change color to blend in with its surroundings. A codependent man will change his likes and dislikes, opinions and thoughts, even how he dresses and the pastimes he enjoys to try to please someone he loves (or believes he loves). Seeing this as natural, but also as a great sacrifice the codependent man will in time begin to resent having to give up who he really is. Then he will expect the partner to change to fit him as he has changed to match her wants and needs. When that does not happen, as it rarely does, resentment starts and builds into inwardly focused raging sadness. Such a man will silently blame himself for not measuring up while at the same time outwardly blaming the woman he is in a relationship with. In the end he will most often demean and blame her until the point where she can’t take it any more and leaves the marriage all because he did not have the decency to let her go in the first place. 

If you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons,
then no matter how hard you work, it’s never going to work,
because then you have to completely change yourself,
completely change them, completely – by that time,
you’re both dead.
Anne Bancroft

Sound Familar?

1. My feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My mental attention is focused on you.
3. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
4. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side for yours.
5. I feel your personal appearance is a reflection on me.
6. Your behavior is a reflection on me.
7. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
8. I am not aware of what I want – I ask what you want.
9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
10. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
11. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
12. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
13. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
14. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
15. The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

I used to spend so much time reacting and responding
to everyone else that my life had no direction.
Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life.
Once I realized it was okay for me to think about what I wanted,
remarkable things began to take place in my life.
Melody Beattie

Learn more. Attend a CoDA meeting. Find one near you:
http://www.coda.org/ajax_control.php?action=load_translation&language=1

Need to be Needed

Codependency… is the relying on other people as the source of one’s emotional stability, purpose, and identity. It manifests itself as a compulsive “need to be needed.” It is often very passive in relationships, taking a servants role until it feels slighted and then becoming very indignant upon feeling “used.” Ultimately, codependency seeks to “live off” (although it would never admit it) other people to feed its insatiable hunger to be loved. When you confront someone who is relating codependently for their unrealistic expectations, false interpretations of your actions/motives, or for over-reliance upon you; you are met with a similar series of rhetorical questions. “Am I wrong for thinking I should be able to depend on you? Is it wrong for me to want to be loved? It is not good for man to be alone, is it? I thought if I worked so hard to meet my needs you would do the same, but I guess that is selfish of me?” Full article here: http://www.bradhambrick.com/codependency001

Use, do not abuse;
neither abstinence nor excess
ever renders man happy.
Voltaire

Denial, Control and Missing

Three basic types of male codependency: the denial expert, the control addict, and the missing man. The denial expert is the man who has simply perfected the most obvious characteristic of both the addict and the codependent, namely, denial. For example… any man would drink if he had to live with her every day. The second kind of codependent man is… a control addict. Example: raised as a “hero child” with low functioning alcoholics up and down the block, it made perfect sense that (he) should control everything and everybody around (him). The last type of codependent man is the… missing man (who) has so surrendered himself to the authority of his alcoholic loved-one and his or her need to escape continuously through mind-altering substances that he no longer exists! Ask this man what his favorite color or food is and he will not know! Full article: http://www.treatment-centers.net/men-and-codependency.html

Self-worth comes from one thing:
thinking that you are worthy.
Wayne Dyer

Until the Road Becomes Filled with Curves

For years of my adult life I was the consummate advice giver, whether requested or not. It went hand in hand with my tendency to boss around the woman in my life at the time. Why I thought I always knew what everyone else should do I will never exactly know, except that it’s a defining of characteristic of a codependent. Outwardly I also exhibited what appeared to be great self-control, but it was to a large degree a bogus projection. Control, control, control is the hallmark of men like me suffering with codependency. The behavior comes from believing controlling everyone will keep me from getting hurt. That’s a house of cards that began to fall down eventually when it began to show that I couldn’t control myself. Over time bad habits and behavior spilled out into the light of day to show me as only having been “in control of being out of control”. Like a car doing a hundred, one can only control it until the road becomes filled with curves. Crash!

You cannot control what happens to you,
but you can control your attitude toward
what happens to you, and in that,
you will be mastering change
rather than allowing it to master you.
Brian Tracy